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Letters from Presidents of Conscious Living at Virginia Tech

 Theresa's Letter

             For me, April 16th continues to interrupt my life in small and inexplicable ways. Yesterday, when I was thinking about writing this letter, in my mind’s eye I saw Lauren McCain’s dorm room. The permeating memory I have is of her one sock—a sock that was nonchalantly left on her bed the morning she left for her last class. Under her bed, I recall her to-do list for the week of April 16th–it was left on her desk next to a letter she must have just opened a day or two before from her friend. For me, now, even as I walk on the Drillfield on a regular basis, it seems to be the innocent, unintended reminders that bring back some of the overwhelming feelings: I remember the fear I felt for my friends, for my professors, and even for those I had never met before; I remember how shaky I was for days with adrenaline coursing through my body; I remember how my mind seemed restless, numb, and in disbelief; I remember how my heart felt intense sadness and tears unexpectedly fell from my eyes, especially when I read the boards that had thousands of small notes; and I  remember how my body mimicked movement but I was really numb—my body had intentions, but little motivation. I also remember laughing and smiling, but knowing it was only a temporary replacement to the pain. Even now, the days directly following April 16th still do not feel real to me. I don’t think any of it was really real to me until July 4th when I heard fireworks and emotions flooded me without the protection of numbness or shock.

             Just after July 4th, I began to speak out loud some of the words that still felt heavy and too hard to say. Even when I did speak to my family and friends, their words offered little or no solace. They tried to listen sympathetically, but I thought they couldn’t understand. I couldn’t express the magnitude of my emotions…I still think I have a hard time expressing the entirety of my emotions. Just a few weeks later, I created an opportunity for myself to go to an 8 day workshop in California to try and sort out the intensity of my emotions. It was created,

founded, and led by Drs. Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks. The impact of their work was immediate and profound, yet surprisingly simple and fun in its delivery. While the Hendricks’ credentials are impressive and take up pages, including being featured on Oprah, CNN, and 48 Hours, what their work personally helped me to do was to bring authenticity to my emotions. My efforts and commitments at the workshop brought joy, fun, love, and ease to me, despite the heaviness of the traumatic events that brought me to the workshop in the first place. I learned simple but profound lessons, such as paying attention to my body and where my emotions reside. The workshop helped me realize I often miscategorized my emotions. And once I learned how to appropriately identify my emotions, I learned how to approach them with breath and the absence of judgment. My emotions are what they are—no more, no less. I was also exposed to the proposition that emotions get stuck and linger when I forget to breathe, when I judge them as either good or bad, or when I withhold my integrity, creativity, or truth from others. The workshop changed my life as did April 16th. I will neVer forgeT April 16th and I will continue to feel the anger, sadness, and fear that day brought, but I am also excited about the opportunity to share with you and other families, students, and faculty of Virginia Tech the joy and love I found through expressing myself authentically despite the trauma and pain.

            Because of the healing power I experienced during the workshop, I was inspired to invite Katie Hendricks to Virginia Tech to support our community as we heal. I had butterflies and fear swarming in my stomach as I asked (as I currently do as I am extending this invitation you), yet she graciously accepted my invitation and has agreed to host a 2½ day workshop in Blacksburg on April 11-13, 2008 to help support us as we shift from the events and trauma of April 16th to living consciously. It is both Dr. Hendricks’ and my intention to offer this workshop as a space for our community to come together to honor our authentic emotions and to bring healing to those affected by April 16th.

              For more information about Dr. Kathlyn Hendricks, I encourage you to browse her website: http://www.hendricks.com. It is my sincere wish and hope that you will join us, if you do indeed believe it would assist you in your journey towards health, happiness, integrity, and genuine emotions. Please feel free to write or e-mail with any questions.

                                                                                                                          Sincerely and respectfully,

                                                                                               Theresa Gabriel    

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Brian’s Letter

              So why should you come to this event?  Well, let me tell you a little about myself and maybe you’ll have an answer to that question.  To start off, I am the last person in the world who would ever go to—not to mention coordinate—an event involving personal healing, authentic emotions, and all that fun stuff.  It’s not that I have anything against these events; I honestly just wouldn’t have any motivation to actually go to one.   You see, every person has raw, unfiltered emotions, but we all deal with those emotions in vastly different ways.  Personally, I hide them—not only from the world, but from myself.  I never told anyone what I was feeling that day.  I never told anyone what I was feeling the next week. Before I knew it, I stopped telling myself what I was feeling.  I didn’t think any of my friends from back home could understand me.  I didn’t think my parents or my sister could understand me either.  But still, when I stopped lying to myself, I felt alone. I felt sad. I felt angry. I felt confused. I felt pain. But you wouldn’t have known that.

            So what’s changed in me that allows me to recognize these things that I have been keeping locked away inside myself?  Well, it’s hard to attribute it to any one thing in particular, but really it comes down to this—I  realized, through finding a friend with whom I felt safe, that despite fearing my true emotions, they will not and cannot be ignored.  I guess what I am really trying to express to you is this: hiding my true feelings caused me to walk blindly past the support of an entire community of people that have the potential to understand me.  The core idea of this event is to create a safe, comfortable place for people affected by this tragedy—in whatever way—to come together to express our genuine emotions knowing that there will be no judgment or pressure, only support. 

           I still feel sadness.  I still feel anger.  I still feel confusion. And I still feel pain. The difference: I no longer fear them and I no longer feel alone.

Sincerely,

 Brian

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